Inherited Wounds, Intentional Healing

Alexandra: 00:00:12

Hey, welcome back to The Mere Project.

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We are your hosts, Alexandra.

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Christine: And Christine.

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Alexandra: Today we're diving

into a kind of inner work that

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isn't flashy or Instagrammable,

but it may just change your life.

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Let's talk about the moment you realize.

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Oh, my parents or whoever is influential

in my life is never going to become

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the person I needed them to be.

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Yeah, that one.

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It's a quiet grief, not dramatic,

no big meltdowns, just the slow

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aching truth settling into your

bones alongside the decision to grow.

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Anyways, we came across something from

Daniel Matay on the in search of More

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podcast, and it goes a little like this.

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So conversation is for anyone doing the

brave, quiet work of breaking cycles.

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You didn't start of healing wounds, you

inherited of choosing to evolve even when

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the people who handed you the hurt never

say sorry and maybe never even see it.

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into inherited trauma, a little science.

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Hello, epigenetics, and a

lot of emotional honesty.

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Most of all it means to reclaim

your story when history feels

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like it's already been written.

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So if you've ever wondered, why

am I the one doing all the work?

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Or how do I carry love and

disappointment at the same time?

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This episode is for you.

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cozy, take a breath,

and let's get into it.

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Okay.

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So Christine, I feel like.

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A place to start here is kind of looking

at like the myth of parental change

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and a shift towards self-work, because

I don't know about you, Christine, did

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you ever have that view as a kid that

your parents were infallible and like

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they, they must know all the answers and

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Christine: Yeah.

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Alexandra: realize that

is not really true.

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Christine: Of course I think a

lot of people can relate to that.

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And it's, it's a sad day when

you realize, but with, with

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age also comes understanding.

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And at first that sort of bite of betrayal

of like, you've misled me my whole life.

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You then start to realize like, well, it's

not, it's not quite black and white, so

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Alexandra: They are just

human, like the rest of us.

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And I think that's, I think that was the

hardest pill to swallow, being like, oh

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wait, but you've always had the answers.

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You've always known what to

do, and now you're telling

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me you don't know what to do.

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Christine: I know.

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Yeah.

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It, it is a heart pill to swallow.

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And I think it's a, you know, I.

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Life's a long road, and they certainly

have a lot of answers especially

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when you getting start started in

this world and in this life, uh, in

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terms of helping you, you know, grow

into a functioning member of society.

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But then at a certain

point it's on you kid.

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It's on us to start figuring

things out for ourselves.

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But that doesn't mean that how they,

how we're raised is perfect, and it's

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not, you know, no one's without faults.

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And sometimes you can

get really fucked up.

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Uh, but you know, where

do we even go for here?

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Alexandra: Okay.

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So here, let me, lemme

cut this a little bit.

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So, Christine, do you have any moments

that you're willing to share with

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everyone of reckoning when you realize

your parents might not ever change in

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the way that you would wish or hope that

they would of some need that you have?

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Christine: so I will say this I

think I thought that way for a long

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time, up until six years ago, seven

years ago, where something pretty

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major happened to my family that

sort of rocked all of our worlds

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and how life our life as we knew it.

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And then since then, seeing the work

all of us have done as individuals,

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but also as a family to understand

ourselves why we were doing, like,

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why people do the things they do.

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My sort of view on the matter has shifted.

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I don't necessarily see myself, at

least when it comes to my parents

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and my siblings feeling that way.

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I think I've shared before some

trials and tribulations when

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it comes to extended family.

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That's sort of where more

of this sort of sits for me.

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My dad's parents in particular,

um, were wonderful people, but they

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were not without their faults and I

was their granddaughter, but I see

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how they chose to live their lives

affected my dad and his siblings.

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And so yeah, that, that sort of.

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It's hard for me to pinpoint anything

specific, but just to give a little

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background as to where I'm coming from

for this conversation, that's kind of

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what I'm thinking and feeling for this.

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And I, I'll just say this I

remember even like before, you

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know, that major thing happened to

my, my family several years ago.

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I remember her sitting down having like

family style meeting, family meeting

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style conversations with my parents and

siblings and both of my parents just

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being very adamant about how they wanted

to be different from their parents

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based on how they were made to feel.

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With the understanding, like from

my parents saying this, like, we get

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that our parents are doing the best

they could, but you know, based on

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our lived experience, we now know how

we wanna do something differently,

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which I think is pretty great.

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And I don't know, if.

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I haven't really seen that to be

the case with other, you know,

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friends, families of mine, let's say.

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So I'm, I'm interested to sort of see

if that's true or are there people out

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there who are having these conversations?

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I think today especially,

it's more prevalent.

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Hopefully.

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Yeah.

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How about you?

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I.

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Alexandra: No I remember your mom.

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Oh, well, our mom's talking about it

last year on our two part moms episode.

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And yeah, I, it's funny I don't

think ever, we sat down and had

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like a family meeting style, but it

is a conversation that my mom and

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I have had often, I don't recall

having that conversation with my dad.

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But she would all, we would.

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We still often talk to this day about how

she grew up and how my dad grew up, and

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how when they, then they began dating,

they had conversations about kids and is

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it is like, are we going to have kids?

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Are we not going to?

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And what does that look like?

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What are the expectations?

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And think my dad was not a, no, I don't

want kids of like, I haven't really put

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much thought into it or like, it's not

something I've seriously considered.

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And I think my mom was of, I believe

she talked about some her, some of

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her health concerns that she may not

be able to carry a pregnancy to term.

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So that all impacted how

they were gonna be decisions.

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And they said if they were gonna

do it, they were going to be

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different than their parents.

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So I've had that conversation many

times with my mother over her life.

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I've listened to how she grew up.

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And like you said, like I think

they both, at least my mom has

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acknowledged, like her parents did

what they could with what they had.

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She realizes that they were a

little fucked up in many ways and,

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um, and how that impacted her.

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But she made a choice to

do things differently.

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And my dad made a choice to do

things differently than his family.

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And I think I have absolutely

reached the rewards of that.

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Christine: Sure.

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Alexandra: the same time, I realized

they were still doing the best that they

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had with the tools in which even making

that, like you said, it's a, it's a huge

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monumental thing to say we're gonna do

something differently the example we had.

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And on the other side of that,

I can go, having been the child

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of this, I think this worked,

this didn't really work for me.

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And it's okay to say, I love

what you guys did for me.

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I really appreciate that you changed.

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I wanna change even more

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Have kids.

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Because I think it is, it's a

lot of trial and error, right?

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Like, and, and they're not,

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Christine: Yeah.

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Alexandra: parents aren't infallible.

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And, uh, I think what, like, if I'm

gonna share a personal moment of

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reckoning, I don't, I believe I've

talked about this on the podcast before.

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But I, I remember a moment with my

dad, um, when I was like a teenager

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going like, I don't, to me it was

like, I don't think I'm Christian.

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I think I'm, I might be pagan.

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This is what I'm into.

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Like this is, this is

what really resonates.

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This is what makes sense.

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And my dad had said something very

to me, came offhand and then I don't

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think it was to him of, of like,

anything is better than being a pagan.

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And that was really a moment that I

wish, you know, I was like, okay, this

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person who has loved and supported me

is not supporting me in this moment.

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And I wish that was different and

kind of feeling like I couldn't have

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certain conversations with my dad.

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And I'm, I'm very lucky that

before he passed we were having

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more of those conversations.

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'cause I'm like, you know.

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But it wasn't until after he, he

passed, and I had a conversation

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with, with my mom about how much that

really impacted me as a teenager.

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Like, you're not fully formed

as a human, as a teenager.

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So somebody

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Christine: Right.

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Alexandra: influential whom you

love and, and genuinely enjoys

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spending time with, says something

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quite hurtful about you

figuring out who you are.

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Christine: Yeah.

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Alexandra: and, and only to realize

that through a conversation with my

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mom later after he passed, that it was

more based out of his own fear of how

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he grew up and associations with words

like Pagan and you know, other things,

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That it was a knee jerk reaction for him.

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It just sucks that I couldn't have

that conversation with him, you know?

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But

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Christine: yeah.

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Alexandra: uh, before he, he did pass, we

were having more open conversations about.

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I believed, why I think the way

I think, kind of that stuff.

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So, I got some of that, but I

didn't get that from him, and

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it was, it was hard to realize.

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I'm like, oh, this it was like

somebody coming off of pedestal

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So.

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Christine: Oh yeah, absolutely.

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Well, it's almost, it's almost,

it's really layered, right?

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It's so for him to say that he might

not think anything of it, like just

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being an offhanded thing, but for

you, coming to him is a big step and

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revealing something about yourself,

like you're still figuring it out.

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Um, and in a way, like being

dismissed and told like, well.

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Don't do that.

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Like, yeah, that it's really at any

age a parent saying something like

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that to their child, you know, that's

a moment of a potential connection and

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being shut down makes you kind of gun

shy for any situation going forward.

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And, and yeah, it has a lasting

effect on any relationship.

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Alexandra: And I would definitely say

it was probably why I had a big chip

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on my shoulder for a while about it.

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You know, just being like very defensive

oh, people are not gonna get this.

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Like, I had this sort of

reaction from my parent.

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about random people?

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I don't really know that

well or new friends.

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So it is interesting the domino

implication of things, but I think that

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Christine: yeah.

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Alexandra: nextly into the thing

of fantasy versus the reality

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of parental transformation.

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What's your experience that?

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Christine: Well, I, like you

kind of alluded to at the start.

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Having that moment when you realize

your parents don't have all the

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answers, and the fa like they are,

you know, their fallibility is

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real, just like all of ours are.

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And even though they're your parents

recognizing and realizing they're human

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too they don't have all the answers.

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We're all still trying to figure it out.

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But it's, um,

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it's a tough pill to swallow.

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And I, I feel like

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being the oldest sibling too in

a family with three, three kids,

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I can only really speak to my

experience, but I'm kind of interested

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to explore that more of like, so

I realized it at a certain point.

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Because I'm two and a half years

older than one sibling and six

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years older than the other.

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I kind of feel like maybe me and Nicole

started figuring things out at the same

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time just because we're closer in age.

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But when it came to Tori, like I

sort of took on a, a different role

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than Nicole has with Tori when we

were younger, like a more mother,

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like mommy's helper type role.

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So I was, I sort of, and still to

this day sometimes have to reckon with

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the fact of I just wanna protect her.

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I don't want her to like struggle

or have realizations of like, being

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like disappointed by people or

family and, but you know, that's

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gonna happen no matter what.

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So yeah, I feel like.

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We've had conversations before about

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me being the oldest sibling and how that

has impacted who I am as a, a person.

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I feel like it kind of also plays

an interesting role in this sort of

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conversation as well because I am

the oldest and figuring, having these

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realizations at a different point

than other members of in your family.

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But also realizing

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that like my grandparents weren't exactly

who I thought they were mostly because

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like they weren't they were a pretty like,

big part of my life, but they weren't

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necessarily, um, a constant presence.

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Like they were busy and they kind

of came and went when they wanted.

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And just sort of growing up and realizing

like, yeah, there was some pretty

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toxic, toxic things that manipulation

that was going on, but then hearing

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my grandparents open up to me and

my siblings about how it was for

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them growing up, that's different

than what my dad, like that wasn't

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conversations he had with his parents.

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So just being one generation removed

sort of opens up, opened up a whole new

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view into why my grandparents were who

they were, which was very fascinating.

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I think something we can delve in more

later in the conversation, but just

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in terms the fantasy versus reality,

it's, yeah, it's a complex thing.

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It's really layered.

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Alexandra: Yeah, and I've had

conversations with both my

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parents but more recently my

mom obviously, than my dad.

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But they talk about how they wanna

change, that they do wanna change, and

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then sometimes seeing that they aren't I

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changing not as quickly in the way that

I'd hoped based on the way that they

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had, we had a conversation, and this is

something my mom and I talk about often.

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'cause like I, I'm, you know, I worry

about her health and, you know, having

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Christine: Right,

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Alexandra: left.

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I'm like please, I want you

to stay around for a while.

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Christine: right.

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Alexandra: I don't know that it's,

I expect them to be the example.

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But, you know, talking, I think

it makes me think of talking

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about doing something and doing

something or two different things.

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And you can really want to do something.

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You can talk about like, I'm

gonna do it, I'm gonna do it.

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But until you take that first step

and then until you keep taking

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the small steps every day, because

it is difficult work to change.

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And we have talked about

that a lot on this podcast.

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Like, it is not easy, it is not linear.

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And it's like, you know, it's something I

don't wanna nag her about, but it's also

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something I'm like, I please do this, but

I want you to be around for like, when I

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have kids I want you to, to move easily.

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And, you know, she's got

stuff with her needs and has

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had a recent bout of vertigo.

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And I'm like, I want you to be healthy.

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I want you to do everything to get

well and healthy and move and do the

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things that you wanna do in your life.

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And I, I think we've had conversations

about how you know, cycles of things

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and I'm like, is there something

that you are holding yourself back?

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And then I see that in myself,

which I know we'll kind of dig

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into to that in a little bit

of, um, patterns that we repeat.

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I'm like, is there, is something happening

because I am as much as I want to, and

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I say I wanna change and I wanna do

something, am I holding myself back?

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And so seeing that reflected in my

parents, or in this case my mom,

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it's, um, it's really eye-opening.

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Christine: Absolutely.

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Alexandra: sense.

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Christine: Yeah, I think let's,

I'm just gonna put a disclaimer

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out there to those listening.

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We're doing our best, this is really our

first time diving into, really deep into

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some of these, so it's a little daunting

to also be recording this conversation,

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so it's not gonna be perfect.

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But story of our lives, right?

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That's kind of the beauty of what

this whole, the whole project is.

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So what you said was beautiful.

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Makes sense.

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No worries.

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Alexandra: And I think that shifts nicely

because it's like, okay, you know, you

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don't see your parents change and you're

not seeing something you hope to see.

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And, and it's, I think it can

be easy to go to blame, right?

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And it, it doesn't necessarily have

to be your parents, like you said, it

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could be your grandparents or somebody

else influential in your life, and

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you're like, why aren't you changing?

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Like, how can you not?

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: 00:18:09

And kind of turning into resentment,

like, don't you see what you,

306

: 00:18:11

what this offhanded comment did to

307

: 00:18:14

Christine: Yeah.

308

: 00:18:16

Or can't you see what the possibility

could be if you just take that first step?

309

: 00:18:21

Like you say you wanna do it what

will happen if you actually do it?

310

: 00:18:24

Like the, those sort of, but those

sort of things that that come to mind.

311

: 00:18:29

But then at the same time,

like that's their journey.

312

: 00:18:33

It doesn't necessarily have to like

the, the idea of it's, um, like we heard

313

: 00:18:38

in that video clip, it's not personal.

314

: 00:18:41

Well, when it's like a parent, that's

really a hard thing to, to even comprehend

315

: 00:18:47

Alexandra: swallow.

316

: 00:18:48

Christine: how can it not?

317

: 00:18:49

But at a certain point, yeah,

maybe it's just not personal that,

318

: 00:18:53

and it's, um, sort of separating.

319

: 00:18:57

What you the the fantasy of, of the

possibilities of how this could change

320

: 00:19:02

and impact our relationship to like,

well, this is the reality and maybe this

321

: 00:19:06

is the best it's gonna be and I need to

make the most of it while they're still

322

: 00:19:09

here because you still love that person.

323

: 00:19:12

Well actually mom and I had a conversation

last night about some like extended

324

: 00:19:17

family things and I'm just like, well mom,

maybe we just need to like have a reframe

325

: 00:19:23

and a mental shift of how we're going

to approach this particular situation.

326

: 00:19:27

Like, yeah, it sucks, it's shitty.

327

: 00:19:29

It's really sort of manipulative and

328

: 00:19:32

But maybe they don't see it that way.

329

: 00:19:34

That's how we're obviously feeling and

it kind of is, but, but maybe it's just

330

: 00:19:40

like they just don't see it that way.

331

: 00:19:42

So let's try and reframe the

situation, offer up a different

332

: 00:19:48

view on the matters and let it go.

333

: 00:19:51

Try and let it go.

334

: 00:19:52

It's easier said than done, but Yeah.

335

: 00:19:54

Alexandra: let the frozen

song play in your mind.

336

: 00:19:56

Let it go.

337

: 00:19:57

Sometimes I have to remember

that, but then it becomes,

338

: 00:20:00

hopefully the step becomes if.

339

: 00:20:04

If you're done with blame,

you're done with resentment.

340

: 00:20:07

And it becomes like the, with the clip

said what, what do I have control over?

341

: 00:20:11

Like, what do I, what can

I do about the situation?

342

: 00:20:14

I can make requests, but

ultimately, like you said, you

343

: 00:20:16

can't make anyone else change.

344

: 00:20:18

And if they're not going to change,

if they don't want to change,

345

: 00:20:21

so where does that leave you?

346

: 00:20:24

And I feel like you and I both have

talked about a lot doing the work on

347

: 00:20:27

ourselves you know, because that's

really all we have control over,

348

: 00:20:30

Christine: Yeah.

349

: 00:20:31

Alexandra: and the ability

to, uh, to affect change.

350

: 00:20:34

So yeah, I think that's definitely led

me into like, okay, I, you know, all

351

: 00:20:39

these people talk these big games, right?

352

: 00:20:41

And like, but if that's something I see

and I'm irritated by and I notice that

353

: 00:20:47

in myself, then it's something I try to

sit down and work on whatever it may be.

354

: 00:20:51

So

355

: 00:20:52

Christine: Hmm.

356

: 00:20:53

Alexandra: I.

357

: 00:20:53

Christine: Hmm.

358

: 00:20:54

Yeah, definitely.

359

: 00:20:57

So why don't we, we shift a little

bit here and take a minute to

360

: 00:21:02

sort of break down and talk about,

okay, what are inherited wounds

361

: 00:21:05

and how do we break the cycle?

362

: 00:21:08

So let's start with inherited wounds.

363

: 00:21:11

What are they?

364

: 00:21:12

So inherited wounds, also known as

generational trauma or transgenerational

365

: 00:21:18

trauma, are emotional and psychological

injuries that are passed down

366

: 00:21:23

through generations within a family.

367

: 00:21:26

Um, these wounds can manifest as

persistent negative patterns or recurring

368

: 00:21:31

relationship challenges or unexplained

feelings of fear or inadequacy.

369

: 00:21:36

So I think

370

: 00:21:41

one way or another,

this affects everybody.

371

: 00:21:44

So here's some examples

of, what these wounds are.

372

: 00:21:50

So like I mentioned, persistent

patterns of negative thinking.

373

: 00:21:54

This is a situation where individuals

may struggle with self-doubt,

374

: 00:21:59

low self-esteem pessimist,

pessimistic outlook.

375

: 00:22:04

Which, which is, which can be

rooted or maybe rooted in past

376

: 00:22:09

experiences of their ancestors.

377

: 00:22:13

Recurring relationship challenges.

378

: 00:22:15

So individuals may find themselves

repeating unhealthy relationship

379

: 00:22:19

patterns, you know, codependency

toxic relationships, things like that.

380

: 00:22:24

Um, attachment issues, which also can

be passed down through generations.

381

: 00:22:29

And then the unexplained

feelings of fear and adequacy.

382

: 00:22:32

Individuals may experience

unexplained anxiety, which I think.

383

: 00:22:37

We should have a conversation around

anxiety in the future, because I

384

: 00:22:41

feel like that is quite an epidemic

that is just becoming worse and

385

: 00:22:45

worse through the generations.

386

: 00:22:49

So unexplained anxieties, fears,

or feelings of beating unworthy,

387

: 00:22:54

which can be tied to unresolved

trauma experienced by family.

388

: 00:22:59

And then finally, difficulties with

intimacy and emotional expression,

389

: 00:23:03

which I think in my regard in my

regard can be really pinpointed with

390

: 00:23:07

the men of our fam in my family.

391

: 00:23:10

Maybe may not be the case for

everybody, but individuals may

392

: 00:23:13

struggle with forming healthy and

close relationships, or may find it

393

: 00:23:17

difficult to express their emotions

openly due to patterns passed down.

394

: 00:23:23

So.

395

: 00:23:25

With that all in mind, why don't

we dive in here and talk about, um,

396

: 00:23:31

the kinds of emotional patterns or

wounds we may have inherited from

397

: 00:23:35

our parents, family, et cetera.

398

: 00:23:40

Alexandra: Well, I think

there's some big ones.

399

: 00:23:43

And I, we've talked about this a

lot in the podcast in the past,

400

: 00:23:45

but my mom and I have had very

open frank conversations about it.

401

: 00:23:48

And I think some of what I

inherited was eating disorder,

402

: 00:23:52

um, was an eating disorder.

403

: 00:23:53

Like my mom had issues with a food and

weight, and her own struggle with an

404

: 00:23:57

eating disorder, which came from, she,

you know, her mom's how her mom talked

405

: 00:24:02

to her and though she did try to change

and not put that on me, I think I still

406

: 00:24:06

very much as a kid, as an, as an empath

picked up on that and just mutated it in

407

: 00:24:11

a way that worked for my sense my brain.

408

: 00:24:14

I, I noticed that is something that

hasn't been passed down into something

409

: 00:24:17

that I really would like to work on

and, and hopefully heal so as not to

410

: 00:24:22

pass that on to future generations.

411

: 00:24:24

But we've had conversations about,

you know, a food and her mom and

412

: 00:24:28

her, you know, how her mom grew up.

413

: 00:24:31

Um, so I will say that is something,

I think it definitely inherited it.

414

: 00:24:35

And it wasn't always through spoken

like my mother when it came to food,

415

: 00:24:40

she was very closed lipped about stuff.

416

: 00:24:42

Which I don't know that I.

417

: 00:24:44

That didn't help me.

418

: 00:24:45

then she tried not to be how

her mom nitpicked with her

419

: 00:24:50

about appearance and stuff.

420

: 00:24:51

But I remember growing up and I've had

conversations with her about being in a

421

: 00:24:54

dressing room and coming out and then,

and maybe it's just how I process and

422

: 00:25:00

filtered information, but also some

of it, she would seem to pick on the

423

: 00:25:03

things that I was most insecure about.

424

: 00:25:05

And I don't think she was doing

that harmfully, it was more just

425

: 00:25:09

like, are you really comfortable?

426

: 00:25:10

And I don't think that looks good

on, and it just, I never felt heard.

427

: 00:25:13

So maybe it was just we both have

at that point had so much work to

428

: 00:25:18

do on ourselves around food, body

image and health that it was not good

429

: 00:25:23

environment for us to both be in.

430

: 00:25:26

And to, to communicate and 'cause like,

clearly we, it just wasn't helping.

431

: 00:25:30

So, and that is something and

I definitely think inherited

432

: 00:25:33

from like my dad's side, I, I.

433

: 00:25:35

Haven't really given it much thought.

434

: 00:25:38

But yeah, I think that's the biggest

example that's coming to my mind.

435

: 00:25:41

Christine: Well that's had a major

impact on, on you and your life and

436

: 00:25:45

your journey up till this point,

so that makes a lot of sense.

437

: 00:25:48

And I think we have related a lot.

438

: 00:25:52

I haven't been diagnosed with an

eating disorder, but I, I feel

439

: 00:25:57

like we've had similar experiences.

440

: 00:26:01

I mean, being a girl and going

through puberty, it's hard to

441

: 00:26:06

imagine that that's going to be.

442

: 00:26:08

An easy time for anyone.

443

: 00:26:10

Like it's never gonna go right.

444

: 00:26:12

Just because it's one of those things

where like, it's uncomfortable,

445

: 00:26:17

uh, when you're going through it.

446

: 00:26:19

You're uncomfortable in your own skin

when you see someone you love who's going

447

: 00:26:22

through it, like you're uncomfortable

because you can't make it better.

448

: 00:26:26

And we've had that, we've had that

moment of realization before where

449

: 00:26:30

like, like being uncomfortable is

just a part of life and it's not

450

: 00:26:34

something you should run away from.

451

: 00:26:35

But I think reshaping

the conversation, um,

452

: 00:26:42

can help.

453

: 00:26:42

But, you know, like also accepting

like it's never gonna be an easy thing.

454

: 00:26:47

And I, I for one have mentioned before

how I've had a conversation with my dad.

455

: 00:26:53

'cause many conversations 'cause

he in my life has been the person

456

: 00:26:58

who's struggled with food weight.

457

: 00:27:01

And.

458

: 00:27:05

I, it's taken a long time for me

to get to where I am and how I,

459

: 00:27:09

how I feel about me and my body.

460

: 00:27:11

Unwrapping the shame of like being

a bigger girl, being a bigger

461

: 00:27:15

person in this world, and like

462

: 00:27:18

that obviously isn't the norm.

463

: 00:27:20

And unpacking a relationship of

with food and for my dad, it was

464

: 00:27:24

very much wrapped up in comfort.

465

: 00:27:26

It was how he comforted

himself when he wasn't feeling

466

: 00:27:32

good emotionally, psychologically.

467

: 00:27:34

Like he was sort of conditioned to believe

like, oh, eat this, you'll feel better.

468

: 00:27:39

And like that kind of affected

me in some ways of like, well,

469

: 00:27:44

like my body is what it is.

470

: 00:27:47

Um, it's very different from my sisters.

471

: 00:27:50

Like, I have two, two sisters who

are gorgeous, you know, skinny.

472

: 00:27:55

Girls, and I am the curvier,

bigger girl of the three.

473

: 00:27:59

So I'm, I definitely feel like the odd one

out, uh, and being the oldest sibling too.

474

: 00:28:04

Alexandra: And I feel like that's

a, that's probably a whole other

475

: 00:28:06

episode that we could do about like

food and the relationship to food and

476

: 00:28:10

something that you said dad grew up

with as it was supposed to be comfort.

477

: 00:28:14

And then for you maybe became that comfort

only to find that out at some point.

478

: 00:28:18

Maybe that was harming you in many ways.

479

: 00:28:20

And so this thing that was comforting

is now bringing such additional,

480

: 00:28:25

Christine: Yeah.

481

: 00:28:28

Alexandra: complexities to a situation.

482

: 00:28:30

Christine: Right.

483

: 00:28:30

Alexandra: You get the comfort, but

then there's this other part of it

484

: 00:28:32

and you're dealing with that and

then maybe needing some more comfort.

485

: 00:28:35

And so where do you,

where do you find that,

486

: 00:28:38

Christine: Exactly and, and

similar to the point you were

487

: 00:28:41

sharing about you and your mom.

488

: 00:28:42

Like I, I have memories of like having

those weird conver like weird and

489

: 00:28:48

uncomfortable conversations with my mom.

490

: 00:28:50

And now I know like she was just coming

from a place of love and wanting to

491

: 00:28:54

make sure I'm, I'm healthy and happy.

492

: 00:28:58

Um, gosh, I wasn't expecting

to get emotional about this.

493

: 00:29:03

Alexandra: Huh?

494

: 00:29:03

Christine: But you know,

495

: 00:29:07

as a kid,

496

: 00:29:10

whew.

497

: 00:29:10

Sorry.

498

: 00:29:11

As a kid, like you don't see that,

499

: 00:29:14

Alexandra: It's very hard in that

moment when it hits you so viscerally

500

: 00:29:17

to have an outside perspective.

501

: 00:29:19

And that's,

502

: 00:29:20

Christine: right?

503

: 00:29:20

Yeah.

504

: 00:29:21

Alexandra: it's like, 'cause you can't,

505

: 00:29:22

Christine: Yeah.

506

: 00:29:22

Alexandra: that moment, it just hits you.

507

: 00:29:25

Christine: And my mom grew up as very

athletic and like, was beautiful, you

508

: 00:29:31

know, when she grew into herself, she was

a very beautiful woman, and she still is.

509

: 00:29:38

But that is just a, that's just one

version of beauty and like learning

510

: 00:29:42

that there's so many forms of that.

511

: 00:29:44

Anyway,

512

: 00:29:45

Alexandra: Yeah.

513

: 00:29:45

Christine: sorry, I didn't

mean to cut you off.

514

: 00:29:48

Alexandra: No, it's okay.

515

: 00:29:48

I lost my train of thought.

516

: 00:29:49

But it's, it's interesting and I'm gonna

use my mom more as an example because I,

517

: 00:29:55

I know a little bit about how my dad

grew up and it's, it's not been my

518

: 00:30:00

lived experience, which I'm grateful

for, and that he was very different

519

: 00:30:04

than, um, some of his family.

520

: 00:30:06

Which I think if he weren't who

he was and that there was more of.

521

: 00:30:11

I would say influence of extended

family on that side, I probably

522

: 00:30:16

would be a lot more messed up than

I feel like I've been changing.

523

: 00:30:20

So I'm gonna just kind of hear

back to my, my mom's side.

524

: 00:30:23

And it's interesting, like my mom and

I are very similar, yet very different.

525

: 00:30:26

And it can be due to many, many things,

but I, I tend to hold things experiences.

526

: 00:30:32

People say something and I'll hold

onto that and go like, this is all,

527

: 00:30:35

this is a character flaw, right?

528

: 00:30:36

This is something totally wrong with me.

529

: 00:30:38

Versus somebody just maybe having a bad

day saying a comment or doing something.

530

: 00:30:43

That had such a profound impact on my life

that they might not know about, whether

531

: 00:30:47

it was a peer or somebody who's older.

532

: 00:30:49

And something I've seen my mom

struggle with is confidence.

533

: 00:30:53

And in many ways she is a very

confident, capable individual.

534

: 00:30:56

And I can look at that and I can

see like, wow, you, you do this.

535

: 00:30:59

But then sometimes she's around

certain people and then it's just,

536

: 00:31:02

I see that confidence crumble

or her, she shrink into herself.

537

: 00:31:07

Then I look at myself and I'm like,

oh my gosh, I do something similar.

538

: 00:31:13

And there's many ways where she calls it

the kind of the fuck it gene, where it's

539

: 00:31:17

like people piss her off enough or like

say something and she's like, oh, fuck it.

540

: 00:31:20

I don't care about their opinion.

541

: 00:31:21

But then around some people,

it seems like she really does.

542

: 00:31:24

And so it's really hard to, um,

reconcile the two when we're talking.

543

: 00:31:27

She's like, I'm this way.

544

: 00:31:28

I was like, yes, but actively observe.

545

: 00:31:31

That not to be true in certain situations.

546

: 00:31:34

And then I look at my own life, right?

547

: 00:31:35

I have to come back to like and go, oh,

in certain situations I am confident

548

: 00:31:41

or I'm, I'm gaining confidence.

549

: 00:31:43

That's something I'm

really choosing to work on.

550

: 00:31:44

And it is, as you said, it's,

it's practice, continual practice.

551

: 00:31:47

It's not something we're at.

552

: 00:31:49

But then there are other people around

that I'm like, oh, I do see that.

553

: 00:31:52

Whether it's a physical reaction of

your, your shoulders slumping, your

554

: 00:31:55

body's coming, coming and kind of

curling in and protecting yourself.

555

: 00:31:58

I'm like, this is something that I do

think I inherited in a different way.

556

: 00:32:02

And I, you know, I see

it, it was reinforced.

557

: 00:32:05

And how do you change those things?

558

: 00:32:07

Because I think it also ties a lot into,

unfortunately body weight, image eating.

559

: 00:32:13

I mean, the comparison I feel like

is the name of the game there.

560

: 00:32:17

But, oh, I remember what

I wanted to say earlier.

561

: 00:32:18

I think for both you and I, since we are

what, late millennials and we grew up

562

: 00:32:22

in the nineties, early two thousands.

563

: 00:32:26

Some of it is also look at

the media that was around

564

: 00:32:30

The conversations about women bodies

and food within popular media.

565

: 00:32:36

And it was just like that was all.

566

: 00:32:37

So, so we inherited some stuff,

567

: 00:32:40

So we already had that, and then we're

getting this out, external feedback

568

: 00:32:45

Christine: Right.

569

: 00:32:45

Alexandra: you know, so

570

: 00:32:46

Christine: Like we're already not

accepted in, in society because of

571

: 00:32:50

what pop culture is saying is the ideal

standard of beauty and heroin chic and

572

: 00:32:56

being like, it wasn't talked about, but

like kind of Glorifying eating disorders

573

: 00:33:01

in a sense of like being real thin and

all of this horrible, like rhetoric.

574

: 00:33:08

Alexandra: even at my thinness,

I still hated my body.

575

: 00:33:13

And

576

: 00:33:13

You know, it was like kind of a

thing of like at the height of my

577

: 00:33:16

eating disorder, I was like, I just

need to get to X weight, right?

578

: 00:33:19

Like, that was the goal.

579

: 00:33:20

Get to something, get to here

and throughout whatever means

580

: 00:33:23

Christine: Right.

581

: 00:33:24

Alexandra: And for me, that was,

that was starving and overeating, I'm

582

: 00:33:27

sorry, starving and over exercising.

583

: 00:33:29

And, but it didn't fix, it didn't

fix the thing the body image.

584

: 00:33:35

And so it's, it's so interesting, we

think, or maybe I fall into that habit.

585

: 00:33:40

I don't know anyone else.

586

: 00:33:41

You think if I get to some place,

some X, if I get there, well then

587

: 00:33:46

suddenly everything else I'm having

issues with, that'll fall into line.

588

: 00:33:49

Right?

589

: 00:33:49

That'll fix.

590

: 00:33:50

And I almost feel like, yeah,

it doesn't, let's, I think you

591

: 00:33:52

almost have to go the other way.

592

: 00:33:53

First.

593

: 00:33:53

You have to fix.

594

: 00:33:56

In this case the, the issues with body

image and how I view myself before I

595

: 00:34:01

can, you know, if I ever make it to

that goal weight, then I can actually

596

: 00:34:05

truly accept and be happy there.

597

: 00:34:07

Because now happy with my body.

598

: 00:34:09

So anyways, that's,

599

: 00:34:12

Christine: Yeah.

600

: 00:34:13

Alexandra: long answer.

601

: 00:34:14

Christine: No, no.

602

: 00:34:14

Um, I'm just sort of thinking about

like hearing how that all impacted

603

: 00:34:18

you and, and I think for me, I just,

uh, was in a sort of space of denial.

604

: 00:34:26

Like I wasn't willing to even,

I think like I tried to not

605

: 00:34:32

even think about it for myself.

606

: 00:34:34

And then whenever a conversation

might have approached, I like, was

607

: 00:34:37

like, yep, let's change the subject.

608

: 00:34:39

I already know what my reality is.

609

: 00:34:41

I don't need to dwell on it.

610

: 00:34:42

I,

611

: 00:34:43

Alexandra: Got it.

612

: 00:34:44

Christine: and so like, that's how I,

uh, I guess protect myself in a way.

613

: 00:34:50

But it wasn't that I wasn't affected by

it, you know, like I just wasn't willing

614

: 00:34:54

to even unpack or talk about it because

in my head I didn't see it getting better.

615

: 00:35:03

And I, and I truly believe,

like I have, I'm in the body.

616

: 00:35:07

I have for a reason.

617

: 00:35:08

I.

618

: 00:35:09

Do what I can to try and take care of it.

619

: 00:35:12

You know, I try and I'm actively

trying to prioritize taking care

620

: 00:35:17

of myself, exercising, moving my

body, and just, you know, being

621

: 00:35:21

okay now with how my body will be.

622

: 00:35:24

And then, you know, allowing myself

the grace to know that this may change.

623

: 00:35:31

I may become bigger, I may

become smaller, and like,

624

: 00:35:35

yeah, I haven't had these sort

of conversations with my sisters

625

: 00:35:41

before or my, my mom in a long time.

626

: 00:35:45

Mostly because I think I'm

sort of, there's still like a

627

: 00:35:49

level of shame a little bit.

628

: 00:35:51

And I don't wanna like necessarily

go back to that time, um, when I was

629

: 00:35:55

a kid feeling the way I was feeling.

630

: 00:35:59

So maybe this is a whole

nother conversation, but let's

631

: 00:36:04

bring it back around here.

632

: 00:36:06

Alexandra: But I think you hit

on an interesting point there.

633

: 00:36:08

Shame, right?

634

: 00:36:08

Like shame about whatever, whatever

trauma you've inherited or that you're

635

: 00:36:13

experiencing, it does kind of keep

your mouth shut about things and,

636

: 00:36:17

and to break down that the barrier

or shame, so you can talk about it.

637

: 00:36:21

Maybe that'll be helpful.

638

: 00:36:23

'cause I know that we've talked on the

podcast before, um, and that we, in

639

: 00:36:27

our, our friendship we've talked about

that you seem to process very well by

640

: 00:36:30

talking things through and, and to have

641

: 00:36:33

Christine: Yeah.

642

: 00:36:34

Alexandra: inhibits the

ability to talk about it.

643

: 00:36:36

Um, I think I was just having that

conversation with somebody else about if

644

: 00:36:41

there were a lot less shame around certain

topics and subjects, whether it be health,

645

: 00:36:46

eating you know, relationship, drama and

trauma or even like, um, you know, sex.

646

: 00:36:51

We, we've talked about it.

647

: 00:36:52

Like if there's a lot less shame

around those conversations, I.

648

: 00:36:56

Maybe we'd all heal a little bit, we'd all

have a little bit different perspective.

649

: 00:37:00

Christine: Yeah.

650

: 00:37:02

That's a whole nother,

651

: 00:37:03

Alexandra: ever,

652

: 00:37:05

Christine: I was just sort of thinking,

ooh, that's like a whole nother

653

: 00:37:07

level to how I feel about my body.

654

: 00:37:12

So, um, conversation for

another day, you were saying?

655

: 00:37:16

Alexandra: We'll stick a pin in that come

656

: 00:37:18

Christine: Yeah.

657

: 00:37:18

Alexandra: another episode, maybe

down the line or not an episode.

658

: 00:37:21

Who knows?

659

: 00:37:22

Do you ever find yourself repeating

a behavior use from your parents

660

: 00:37:26

or somebody very close to you and

important in your life that you

661

: 00:37:30

said you would never, ever adopt?

662

: 00:37:33

Christine: That's a really good question.

663

: 00:37:36

I don't know if I have, do you have one?

664

: 00:37:40

Alexandra: Sometimes I think sometimes

I, I, I ruse my mom a little bit

665

: 00:37:43

about like, you know, she never says.

666

: 00:37:45

She's wrong or that I'm right.

667

: 00:37:46

And she does.

668

: 00:37:47

I will admit it.

669

: 00:37:48

So Mom, if you're listening, please, I

do acknowledge that you do say I'm right

670

: 00:37:52

sometimes, but I think that was something

very light here that, uh, have seen her

671

: 00:37:57

repeating and I've seen her done Wow.

672

: 00:38:00

Words have seen her do and just, you know,

very like, this is the way it's happened.

673

: 00:38:04

My memories an elephant.

674

: 00:38:06

Like I'm, I have the

memory of an elephant.

675

: 00:38:07

I remember everything.

676

: 00:38:08

And I'm like, that is so

not how that event happened.

677

: 00:38:11

And sometimes I'll do that.

678

: 00:38:12

I was like, oh, yep.

679

: 00:38:13

It said I wouldn't do that.

680

: 00:38:14

Let me reframe.

681

: 00:38:15

And I, and I may just go like, okay,

that is not how I remember this event.

682

: 00:38:18

This event.

683

: 00:38:18

And, and it doesn't even

have to be with my mom.

684

: 00:38:20

It can be with anyone.

685

: 00:38:21

It can be like, okay, this

is the experience I had here.

686

: 00:38:24

You having this experience that's

so in a broader conversation

687

: 00:38:28

it's like, what is truth?

688

: 00:38:29

And truth is always like double what

is truth or what really happened

689

: 00:38:33

because it's all people's perspective

and how you remember something.

690

: 00:38:37

But that is neither here nor there.

691

: 00:38:38

Another funny example is like, I was

like, I'm never gonna be like my mom

692

: 00:38:41

in directions and I am very grateful.

693

: 00:38:43

I do have a sense of direction.

694

: 00:38:44

But my mom does not.

695

: 00:38:46

Christine: I will just never forget when

we were trying, was your mom driving?

696

: 00:38:51

When I came down to visit and we were

trying to go visit, was it your dad?

697

: 00:38:58

Alexandra: yeah.

698

: 00:38:58

Christine: then we, like, were on,

we put in a dress and it was like.

699

: 00:39:04

We ended up in some random, I was

like, what is happening right now?

700

: 00:39:08

Alexandra: And I was like, and I remember

'cause mom like in irritation, hands me

701

: 00:39:11

the phone and she's like, by the way,

what she means when we go visit my dad

702

: 00:39:14

visit, like, the grave marker where we

have some of his ashes with his brother.

703

: 00:39:18

But yeah, we put in a address.

704

: 00:39:19

I'm like, I don't think this, we're

driving in a part of that town.

705

: 00:39:22

I was like, I have never seen this.

706

: 00:39:23

Where are we?

707

: 00:39:24

Christine: Yeah.

708

: 00:39:25

Alexandra: you please just go left?

709

: 00:39:27

And she is like, no, I'm gonna go

710

: 00:39:31

Christine: She was very adamant

about following whatever

711

: 00:39:33

direction she was having.

712

: 00:39:35

Alexandra: She's like,

I know it's this way.

713

: 00:39:37

And I'm like, I don't think it's,

and it's so funny 'cause like, um,

714

: 00:39:41

my mom also has some dyslexia, so.

715

: 00:39:44

It wasn't a surprise when I had some,

but she's very directionally dyslexic.

716

: 00:39:48

And I have caught myself, my

friend Suzanne gives me bit

717

: 00:39:52

of flack for it on her walks.

718

: 00:39:53

Um, and I'll say like, right or left,

and sometimes I, I, I mix 'em up,

719

: 00:39:57

uh, but I'm trying very hard not to

because I see my mom mix them up.

720

: 00:40:00

And so my mom will do something funny

where she's like, okay, if I'm driving

721

: 00:40:04

and she's go left, but her arm, her

hand is directioning to the right.

722

: 00:40:08

And I'm like, which direction?

723

: 00:40:11

she's like, you know this, you

always follow my hand, not the

724

: 00:40:16

words coming out of my mouth.

725

: 00:40:17

So, and it was, it was funny.

726

: 00:40:19

I was on a trip driving with my

mentor and I said, okay, uh, you

727

: 00:40:23

know, up here, you're gonna go left.

728

: 00:40:24

And she's like, I don't do that.

729

: 00:40:25

Like, just point that doesn't know.

730

: 00:40:28

I was like, okay.

731

: 00:40:28

So people in my life it's follow the

732

: 00:40:30

Christine: Follow the

hand, follow the gesture.

733

: 00:40:34

Oh, that's funny.

734

: 00:40:35

I guess, um, as you were,

you're listing off some things.

735

: 00:40:38

I sort of, I don't know

if I necessarily, um, I.

736

: 00:40:45

Catch myself repeating things

that I swore I never adopt.

737

: 00:40:48

I catch myself like, wow, this is a

really mom thing I'm doing right now.

738

: 00:40:52

Like when my sisters are

home, love 'em to death.

739

: 00:40:57

I don't know if they would listen

to this episode or not, but if

740

: 00:41:00

they are, love you guys to death.

741

: 00:41:02

But they'll leave lights on

and they'll leave a room.

742

: 00:41:07

Now I have very, very visceral memories

as a kid of my mom getting so mad about

743

: 00:41:15

leaving lights on in the in rooms that

we're not in that so much so like I feel

744

: 00:41:20

like it's just become ingrained in me that

I now get upset when I see that they don't

745

: 00:41:25

turn lights off when they leave a room

746

: 00:41:29

and I'm like, wow, this

is very mama me right now.

747

: 00:41:34

But, um, that's like one

funny one that came to mind.

748

: 00:41:37

But you know, I think when it comes to.

749

: 00:41:41

you know, seeing my dad and how he handles

things like when it comes to frustration

750

: 00:41:47

and like, when things don't go his way,

just seeing how he sort of has responded

751

: 00:41:52

and a, and reacted to sort of situations.

752

: 00:41:54

Like, I know that's not how I want

to, so how I would wanna react.

753

: 00:41:59

So when what I do sort of maybe

react, like how my time might have

754

: 00:42:04

a lot of things sort of go through

my mind of like, shit, this is

755

: 00:42:07

not how I wanna deal with this.

756

: 00:42:09

Why is, why am I, uh, letting

this affect me in this way?

757

: 00:42:12

And like, if there's people around,

like, it just sort of become, it

758

: 00:42:17

compounds itself and, and it becomes

bigger than I guess it really needs to.

759

: 00:42:20

So then I become very

apologetic to those around me.

760

: 00:42:24

Like, I'm so sorry.

761

: 00:42:25

This is not how I.

762

: 00:42:27

I usually am or how I react to

things and I've become very like

763

: 00:42:31

hyper aware and maybe I'm just

sensitive in that way of not wanting

764

: 00:42:37

to cause harm to those around me.

765

: 00:42:40

So yeah, that's kind of

766

: 00:42:43

a very complex thing.

767

: 00:42:46

Alexandra: Yeah, absolutely.

768

: 00:42:47

So do you ever think about like

what it feels or maybe what is your

769

: 00:42:51

experience for taking responsibility

for healing something you didn't?

770

: 00:42:55

Cause whether somebody made an offhanded

comment or, and you're like, well,

771

: 00:43:00

shit, now I'm stuck here holding the

bag of all this I didn't intend to deal

772

: 00:43:05

Christine: Yeah.

773

: 00:43:05

Alexandra: But now that I have it, what,

can you walk us through what that kind of

774

: 00:43:09

Christine: So I think for me, this like.

775

: 00:43:12

This rings true in like an

even deeper sense, right?

776

: 00:43:15

Because I feel, so you

and me are very similar.

777

: 00:43:20

I believe I'm an empath as well.

778

: 00:43:22

I'm so hyperly sensitive to people's

energy around me that I want to try

779

: 00:43:29

and sort of, I take a lot on, I take

more on than I need to in in those

780

: 00:43:35

sort of situations of taking on

like people's emotional wellbeing.

781

: 00:43:40

So adding on this layer of what it feels

like to risk, take responsibility for

782

: 00:43:44

healing something you didn't cause buddy.

783

: 00:43:50

Whoa.

784

: 00:43:50

I feel like it's so daunting that so

daunting of an idea that at times it, I

785

: 00:43:57

push it down the priority list because I.

786

: 00:44:01

Like even approaching that is a lot.

787

: 00:44:03

And it takes a lot of bandwidth, emotional

bandwidth to start to unpack all of that.

788

: 00:44:10

But I think it's important, it's

really important work, something

789

: 00:44:15

that can be done in a really

sort of safe environment therapy.

790

: 00:44:19

If you have a person you feel comfortable

opening up to and talking things out,

791

: 00:44:23

like Alexandra said, I am a processor

and I process by talking things out.

792

: 00:44:28

And I, I have my people who just know,

like, I just need to talk this out.

793

: 00:44:32

And sometimes it, it gets to

a point for me where there are

794

: 00:44:37

situations they're not they're not,

very often, but we're talking, I.

795

: 00:44:44

Actually, like doesn't I get focused

on, I'm not able to communicate

796

: 00:44:50

how I'm really feeling like all the

words coming to mind don't really act

797

: 00:44:54

accurately capture how I'm feeling.

798

: 00:44:56

So in those situations, I can, I

can shut down, but yeah, that's,

799

: 00:45:01

that's sort of how I feel about the

thought of taking responsibility for

800

: 00:45:05

healing something I didn't cause.

801

: 00:45:08

What about you bud?

802

: 00:45:10

Alexandra: I think as a kid I had

as a kid, as a child, a lot of

803

: 00:45:16

friends would come to me and they,

they would being an empath, I would

804

: 00:45:19

really take their pain from them

and they would leave feeling great.

805

: 00:45:23

Um, but then I had a, of emotions

that weren't mine to deal with.

806

: 00:45:25

And so in, in that sense, regarding

other people and their pain, I would

807

: 00:45:30

stuff it all in a jar and then it would

just implode over something as stupid

808

: 00:45:33

as like, my shoelace isn't my, like, I

can't tie my shoe today and this is the

809

: 00:45:37

thing that's gonna cause the waterworks.

810

: 00:45:38

And it had nothing to

do with the shoelace.

811

: 00:45:41

I will say as an adult, I do feel like I.

812

: 00:45:42

A bit better.

813

: 00:45:43

It is something I do struggle with

in the sense of like, somebody comes

814

: 00:45:46

to me and says, I have an issue.

815

: 00:45:46

And I think my immediate reaction

is like, I can see it's there into

816

: 00:45:50

distress, or I, I sense that there's

stress, let me fix it for them.

817

: 00:45:53

And I need to not do that.

818

: 00:45:54

I need to not do that unless

somebody can like help me fix this.

819

: 00:45:57

Just for my own emotional boundaries.

820

: 00:45:59

But when it comes to inheriting, like it's

like getting something, being responsible

821

: 00:46:04

for healing something that I received from

somebody else who, you know, like here's

822

: 00:46:11

a concrete example and it's very much

tied into some of and eating disorder.

823

: 00:46:14

So sorry for those who are listening,

if you're like tired of hearing

824

: 00:46:16

about this, but this is like a

big thing and has been in my life.

825

: 00:46:19

Somebody had said gosh,

where we were living, I

826

: 00:46:24

would've been before fifth grade.

827

: 00:46:25

Um, so I was really

young and they said, I.

828

: 00:46:29

It looks like you're shoving,

shoving seven pounds of sausage

829

: 00:46:32

into a five pound casing.

830

: 00:46:35

Now whether that person had different

experiences that impacted the way

831

: 00:46:39

they think, and that may actually be

true but all of that distilled into a

832

: 00:46:43

comment that then you, you shared with

a than however old in fifth grade, that

833

: 00:46:49

became now my responsibility to deal

with and, and it's so a story that I

834

: 00:46:53

repeated like a negative thought pattern

I repeated in my head and probably

835

: 00:46:57

make compounded body image issues.

836

: 00:47:00

And so I can't do anything about

what that person, their experiences

837

: 00:47:06

that's their own pag to deal with.

838

: 00:47:07

But now I'm left with that was wrapped

up in that comment that is now mine

839

: 00:47:12

and a story I have told myself.

840

: 00:47:14

And, and it absolutely sucks to be

responsible to healing something

841

: 00:47:20

that was not originally yours.

842

: 00:47:22

Has become a part of you

843

: 00:47:23

Christine: Yeah.

844

: 00:47:23

Alexandra: you're like, I don't,

and that's at least something

845

: 00:47:26

I never wanna tell my kids or

like pass on to even my friends.

846

: 00:47:30

So it's, you know, if something doesn't

look good on something, there's many

847

: 00:47:33

different ways of saying, Hey, I don't

think that's the right outfit for today.

848

: 00:47:37

Or I'm like, it is not

your most flattering look.

849

: 00:47:40

about something else than saying, you

look like you're just having seven pounds

850

: 00:47:42

of sausage into a five pound casing.

851

: 00:47:44

And, and then there's other things that

have happened that people may never even

852

: 00:47:47

think about the comment that they said.

853

: 00:47:49

But then you're stuck with crap.

854

: 00:47:52

Now I've got this quirk, or I've got

this thought pattern that has come out

855

: 00:47:55

of this, and how do I rewrite that story?

856

: 00:47:58

Christine: Yeah.

857

: 00:47:58

Alexandra: I'll just say it's, it's

difficult and it's takes a lot of work.

858

: 00:48:03

Christine: Does.

859

: 00:48:04

Alexandra: don't think I've

860

: 00:48:05

Christine: And it's,

861

: 00:48:05

Alexandra: worked with that one.

862

: 00:48:06

Christine: Continuous.

863

: 00:48:08

I don't think it's something you

ever fully resolve because once

864

: 00:48:14

you resolve one thing, something

else will come to the surface.

865

: 00:48:18

Always a work in progress, you know?

866

: 00:48:21

so to that

867

: 00:48:22

Alexandra: if you're really lucky, that

original issue will bubble up again.

868

: 00:48:25

Christine: exactly.

869

: 00:48:27

It's back.

870

: 00:48:29

Alexandra: That's really

facetious for anyone who

871

: 00:48:30

doesn't get my brain of sarcasm.

872

: 00:48:33

Christine: well to that point then

talking about how frustrating that

873

: 00:48:38

can be to try and heal something

we're not responsible for.

874

: 00:48:42

How do you navigate that tension

between compassion for your

875

: 00:48:48

parents or your loved one's family

from where they came from and.

876

: 00:48:54

And accountability for the how it has all

affected you and how it has impacted you.

877

: 00:49:00

Alexandra: I think that is really

difficult in the sense of you have

878

: 00:49:06

to be really, in some ways mentally

flexible to, to fully accept

879

: 00:49:11

the fact that people, humans are

very complex and to contradictory

880

: 00:49:17

things can exist at the same time.

881

: 00:49:19

And, and that's not really comfortable

for a lot of people to, to accept.

882

: 00:49:22

It's like we do very much like things

delineated and it's this or this

883

: 00:49:26

and so to say it is this and this

at the exact same time, and those

884

: 00:49:30

are in conflict with each other.

885

: 00:49:31

Is very difficult.

886

: 00:49:32

And I think,

887

: 00:49:35

I don't know, and I know Christine and

I have talked about this with, with some

888

: 00:49:38

people in my life like is it worth having

a conversation with that person about

889

: 00:49:42

what they said and how that impacted them?

890

: 00:49:44

Is it gonna change?

891

: 00:49:45

Is that person self aware enough to.

892

: 00:49:48

To realize maybe the impact that they

have, if they even want to, and then

893

: 00:49:52

if they do or don't, you're still

stuck with how do I deal with this?

894

: 00:49:56

So I think navigating is really difficult

and I think it's very situation dependent.

895

: 00:50:02

Christine: Yeah.

896

: 00:50:04

Alexandra: and it depends on if that

person is self-aware if they are

897

: 00:50:08

self-aware and you feel like you

can have that conversation, great.

898

: 00:50:10

If they're, if you don't observe them

being self-aware and you don't feel

899

: 00:50:14

like that conversation would be helpful

or have any meaningful impact, then it

900

: 00:50:18

becomes, I think you become accountable

for how you interact with that person.

901

: 00:50:23

Whether it's limiting time with them,

whether it is you, you love them, but you

902

: 00:50:28

don't talk about certain things, which

I don't know, I think I'm still learning

903

: 00:50:31

how to navigate those kind of situations.

904

: 00:50:34

Your experience, Christine?

905

: 00:50:35

I.

906

: 00:50:37

Christine: absolutely.

907

: 00:50:37

Agree with everything you've said so far,

but, I feel like I've sort of reached

908

: 00:50:42

a point where I've sort of come to

terms with everything that's happened.

909

: 00:50:50

That doesn't necessarily

mean like every day I'm like.

910

: 00:50:52

I'm okay with what's happened,

but I've definitely done a lot

911

: 00:50:55

of, I've processed everything.

912

: 00:50:57

And I can, I've reached a point where I

can, I have that level of compassion, um,

913

: 00:51:03

for, for my parents, my loved one's family

914

: 00:51:06

and understanding who that's who they

are, where they've come from, that

915

: 00:51:13

they were just trying their best.

916

: 00:51:16

But at the same time, there, there

are those people in my life where

917

: 00:51:21

I can have those conversations

of, Hey, this was really shitty

918

: 00:51:26

and this is how it affected me.

919

: 00:51:27

And I feel like it's important

for us to talk about it, but

920

: 00:51:32

there's also those situations of.

921

: 00:51:34

I'm never going to,

922

: 00:51:36

I am never going to get that sense of

resolve from this person in this regard.

923

: 00:51:44

And I need need to accept that.

924

: 00:51:46

And some cases I've

come to terms with that.

925

: 00:51:48

Some cases I'm still working on it

and like letting, letting it go and

926

: 00:51:55

moving on is, is the best option.

927

: 00:51:58

So it, it is really, it's really complex.

928

: 00:52:01

It's really leather layered and like

you said, like you, you have to have,

929

: 00:52:06

do the inner work to sort of say, is

this going to help me in the long run?

930

: 00:52:13

Or could this potentially

hurt me in my progress?

931

: 00:52:16

And I just need to.

932

: 00:52:18

In terms of having this conversation

with this person about the situation.

933

: 00:52:23

So yeah, that's, it's not

always black and white.

934

: 00:52:28

It's not, there's not a straight answer

on how to handle these sorts of things.

935

: 00:52:34

Unfortunately, you know, like, and

we're all figuring it out and it's

936

: 00:52:38

gonna be, it's gonna be messy.

937

: 00:52:40

It's going to be like really

not smooth or graceful.

938

: 00:52:48

But you're trying, and that's

like the biggest, biggest thing.

939

: 00:52:51

Right.

940

: 00:52:53

And that's big change from where

people before you have come from.

941

: 00:52:58

Alexandra: I feel like that leads us next

nicely into what we wanted to next talk

942

: 00:53:01

about in, in the sense that our bodies

remember the trauma, whether we inherited

943

: 00:53:06

Christine: Yeah.

944

: 00:53:07

Alexandra: or from our parents

or previous generations.

945

: 00:53:10

And that we've both talked to

examples of you know, body weight

946

: 00:53:13

and image and health and stuff.

947

: 00:53:15

And so I feel like that'll come up, but.

948

: 00:53:18

I feel like do, have you done any

research or looking into like how the

949

: 00:53:24

body remembers trauma or emotional

patterns and how they can be passed on

950

: 00:53:28

from, you know, different, you know,

family lines such as epigenetics?

951

: 00:53:32

I know that we're not really getting into

the whole science of epigenetics and like

952

: 00:53:35

inherited the science of inherited trauma.

953

: 00:53:39

but do you feel empowered

knowing about that there might

954

: 00:53:42

be a biological factor to that?

955

: 00:53:44

Or does it, do you

956

: 00:53:45

Christine: Yeah.

957

: 00:53:46

Alexandra: by knowing that?

958

: 00:53:48

Christine: Burdened burden's

an interesting word.

959

: 00:53:49

I don't know if I feel burdened.

960

: 00:53:51

Do you?

961

: 00:53:53

No, I think it's really,

962

: 00:53:55

Alexandra: no.

963

: 00:53:55

Christine: It is reaffirming.

964

: 00:53:57

It's like, I'm not crazy.

965

: 00:53:59

Like this is a thing.

966

: 00:54:00

I do believe it, it makes sense to me.

967

: 00:54:03

Like of course, it's that has a lasting

impact on the world around you, so why

968

: 00:54:09

wouldn't it have a lasting impact on you,

like who you're made up of, you know?

969

: 00:54:16

So I think it's really sort of, um,

970

: 00:54:21

reaffirming.

971

: 00:54:22

It's, it, I I myself haven't dived

in, um, really heavily into any

972

: 00:54:29

research on this, but, excuse me.

973

: 00:54:32

But I'm really sort of

excited hopeful about this.

974

: 00:54:38

I hope it becomes, you know, more

researched and brought into the

975

: 00:54:44

conversation about why we are the way

we are and, it can be a really helpful

976

: 00:54:49

tool when you start to do the work,

the self-work on yourself in therapy

977

: 00:54:55

or and just having the self-awareness,

you know, like knowing how, but

978

: 00:55:02

not using it as an excuse to avoid

979

: 00:55:05

Things and like, oh, this is just

how I am because of genetics.

980

: 00:55:09

No,

981

: 00:55:10

Alexandra: Yeah.

982

: 00:55:11

Like

983

: 00:55:12

Sense of

984

: 00:55:12

Christine: it's a contributing

factor, but it's not an excuse

985

: 00:55:15

for you to not do the work also.

986

: 00:55:17

So, How, how about you, have you

done any research into this sort of,

987

: 00:55:24

Alexandra: So not any in depth research.

988

: 00:55:27

It is something I'm definitely

would like to look into a little

989

: 00:55:30

bit more, particularly as like my

thoughts and philosophy about life.

990

: 00:55:33

I've and changed over time.

991

: 00:55:36

And I, I do wonder if if somebody

listening does feel burdened by it, I'd

992

: 00:55:40

be curious to know what that sense is

because I don't feel burdened by it.

993

: 00:55:43

I think it is very interesting and

like you said, reaffirming to, to go,

994

: 00:55:47

oh, hey, maybe there, maybe there's

a reason, particularly if it's a,

995

: 00:55:49

something that you inherited and

you know, your family is like, oh,

996

: 00:55:52

you know, and so used to do that.

997

: 00:55:54

Like, great aunts up so and so, and it's

not somebody you've ever interacted with

998

: 00:55:58

and you're like, where does this weird

habit this strange quirk come from?

999

: 00:56:04

I think in that sense it's kind

of, kind of reaffirming, but I, I

: 1000

00:56:07,704 --> 00:56:10,944

wonder if, um, somebody does feel

burdened if it's because it feels.

: 1001

00:56:11,874 --> 00:56:14,544

Inevitable then therefore inescapable.

: 1002

00:56:14,544 --> 00:56:17,534

But I think that ties into to

what you were saying, it's not an

: 1003

00:56:17,534 --> 00:56:19,754

excuse to, to not work on yourself.

: 1004

00:56:20,780 --> 00:56:23,750

I will share a definition from the

John Templeton Foundation, um, that

: 1005

00:56:23,750 --> 00:56:28,520

epigenetics is the study of changes in

organisms that occur when non-genetic

: 1006

00:56:28,520 --> 00:56:31,400

triggers switch on genes on or off.

: 1007

00:56:31,880 --> 00:56:32,990

So I think that's really interesting.

: 1008

00:56:32,990 --> 00:56:35,810

And then, and then of course, that,

you know, replicates down the line.

: 1009

00:56:35,910 --> 00:56:39,540

So if anyone's interested, I would

definitely recommend looking up the

: 1010

00:56:39,540 --> 00:56:43,890

What is Genetics article from the

John Temple Templeton Foundation.

: 1011

00:56:43,920 --> 00:56:46,020

It kind of goes into some of

like this inherited trauma

: 1012

00:56:46,020 --> 00:56:46,980

that we were talking about.

: 1013

00:56:46,980 --> 00:56:50,240

And it is an interesting read, but too

long for us to fully cover on the podcast.

: 1014

00:56:50,645 --> 00:56:55,295

Christine: Yes, well included in the

show notes for easy, easy access.

: 1015

00:56:56,270 --> 00:56:57,080

Alexandra: So.

: 1016

00:56:57,830 --> 00:56:58,490

Okay.

: 1017

00:56:58,610 --> 00:57:00,680

We've talked about this and

like you just said, it's not an

: 1018

00:57:00,680 --> 00:57:02,030

excuse not to work on yourself.

: 1019

00:57:02,030 --> 00:57:06,140

So what are some ways that you

have worked on healing yourself?

: 1020

00:57:06,530 --> 00:57:10,610

Um, that may be benefit when you have

children or you know, your nieces and

: 1021

00:57:10,610 --> 00:57:12,650

nephews, or you know, their family,

: 1022

00:57:13,392 --> 00:57:14,112

Or even friends.

: 1023

00:57:14,910 --> 00:57:21,142

Christine: Well, to the point I made

earlier of like how I coped with things,

: 1024

00:57:21,262 --> 00:57:26,932

and especially in regards to body image

and weight, I just sort of avoided things.

: 1025

00:57:27,112 --> 00:57:31,432

I feel like I've done the work

to not necessarily do that.

: 1026

00:57:31,432 --> 00:57:34,912

Like when the instinct arises that's

how I wanna deal with the situation, I

: 1027

00:57:34,912 --> 00:57:43,372

sort of stop and sort of like make the

note to be con, like consciously dive

: 1028

00:57:43,372 --> 00:57:48,722

deeper into why is this the immediate

response I have to this situation.

: 1029

00:57:49,022 --> 00:57:54,452

It sort of helped me in terms of

processing things, like Alexandra

: 1030

00:57:54,452 --> 00:58:00,722

mentioned, I do talk things out, I also,

you know, have seen how my parents have

: 1031

00:58:00,722 --> 00:58:05,612

navigated certain situations within the

last three years with their relationship.

: 1032

00:58:05,612 --> 00:58:08,672

And as a result, my

relationship with them.

: 1033

00:58:09,122 --> 00:58:15,872

And I've sort of taken note of, okay,

I would do this differently with my

: 1034

00:58:15,872 --> 00:58:20,642

children, but I, I wanna have that

similar, similar relationship like my

: 1035

00:58:20,642 --> 00:58:25,562

parents and I have, but maybe I'll go

about it differently in this regard.

: 1036

00:58:25,952 --> 00:58:26,792

Because

: 1037

00:58:27,439 --> 00:58:28,519

you know what?

: 1038

00:58:28,549 --> 00:58:35,119

We, we are, we're all different

and we, you know, want, have

: 1039

00:58:35,179 --> 00:58:38,779

opinions on how we wanna approach

things, and that's okay too.

: 1040

00:58:39,229 --> 00:58:40,099

So.

: 1041

00:58:42,694 --> 00:58:46,204

I just feel like I'm a more

self-aware person because of

: 1042

00:58:46,324 --> 00:58:47,824

everything I've gone through.

: 1043

00:58:48,314 --> 00:58:51,524

And that doesn't mean I don't

wanna still do the work.

: 1044

00:58:51,524 --> 00:58:55,784

Like I'm, I still want to seek therapy.

: 1045

00:58:55,914 --> 00:59:00,414

I feel like that's a great way to really

hold myself accountable for a lot of

: 1046

00:59:00,414 --> 00:59:03,054

things I say I wanna do for myself.

: 1047

00:59:03,564 --> 00:59:06,204

And I feel like it'll help

me, make me a better friend.

: 1048

00:59:06,204 --> 00:59:10,014

I'm a better daughter, a better

sister, a better partner.

: 1049

00:59:10,584 --> 00:59:12,119

So yeah that's what I've been doing.

: 1050

00:59:12,119 --> 00:59:13,439

How about yourself, my dear?

: 1051

00:59:14,579 --> 00:59:14,939

Your turn.

: 1052

00:59:14,939 --> 00:59:17,759

Alexandra: know, Mia, I love therapy,

so it's definitely something I've

: 1053

00:59:17,859 --> 00:59:22,440

been working on and particularly

um, Thinking about like the food

: 1054

00:59:22,440 --> 00:59:24,900

and body image, because that's

come from my mother's mother.

: 1055

00:59:24,960 --> 00:59:28,500

My mom, me is definitely something

I wanna work on before I, I have

: 1056

00:59:28,500 --> 00:59:32,700

kids because it's not something I

want to unintentionally pass down.

: 1057

00:59:33,090 --> 00:59:35,390

And hopefully that I can and

change history a little bit,

: 1058

00:59:35,390 --> 00:59:36,530

at least within our family.

: 1059

00:59:36,890 --> 00:59:41,480

That they won't have the same

issues and hopefully no issues.

: 1060

00:59:41,480 --> 00:59:48,390

And if, you know, based on my own

experience and how my mom helps me

: 1061

00:59:48,420 --> 00:59:51,270

through it, and we did the best we

could with the tools that we had.

: 1062

00:59:51,270 --> 00:59:55,420

I know we talked about that in therapy

journal therapy episode of the right

: 1063

00:59:55,420 --> 00:59:57,130

therapist is, is very important.

: 1064

00:59:57,980 --> 00:59:58,200

Christine: Yes.

: 1065

00:59:59,860 --> 01:00:02,890

Alexandra: And how you talk about

food or nutrition, it's, it's.

: 1066

01:00:04,045 --> 01:00:08,365

Something I'm trying to rework for

myself, like, food isn't good or bad,

: 1067

01:00:08,365 --> 01:00:12,055

it's a lot of things in moderation,

but what is, so it's, it's trying to

: 1068

01:00:12,055 --> 01:00:16,995

figure out for myself what doesn't trip

those triggers of previous negative

: 1069

01:00:16,995 --> 01:00:20,895

habits so that I don't accidentally

install those buttons for my kids.

: 1070

01:00:21,315 --> 01:00:24,795

Um, and it's also making sure

that I'm not just supplanting one

: 1071

01:00:24,795 --> 01:00:28,385

word for another good is healthy

and not, and bad is not healthy.

: 1072

01:00:28,495 --> 01:00:28,855

Christine: Yeah.

: 1073

01:00:29,170 --> 01:00:33,313

Alexandra: balance to, to

be adaptable and flexible.

: 1074

01:00:33,463 --> 01:00:37,093

I think that's something that I, I

definitely is something I try to work

: 1075

01:00:37,093 --> 01:00:40,203

on, even if it's obviously therapy

is one of the things that I do.

: 1076

01:00:40,233 --> 01:00:43,583

I also listen to a lot of self-help

things metaphysically of like

: 1077

01:00:43,583 --> 01:00:45,683

affirmations, but also positive thinking.

: 1078

01:00:45,683 --> 01:00:46,583

But, uh, I know I.

: 1079

01:00:47,333 --> 01:00:50,993

We have talked about in a previous

episode, uh, toxic positivity.

: 1080

01:00:51,093 --> 01:00:54,603

Not that, making sure it's not

that, but what is something, how do

: 1081

01:00:54,603 --> 01:00:58,073

you rewrite those negative thought

patterns that can be inherited

: 1082

01:00:58,463 --> 01:01:00,143

and what, how am I changing that?

: 1083

01:01:00,173 --> 01:01:01,103

Is that working?

: 1084

01:01:01,103 --> 01:01:04,493

Is it, does it need to be

changed to something else?

: 1085

01:01:04,493 --> 01:01:07,548

And I think I But yeah, I think

therapy is the biggest thing for me.

: 1086

01:01:07,608 --> 01:01:11,058

And it's nice to have a third

party there to bounce ideas off of

: 1087

01:01:11,308 --> 01:01:11,598

Christine: Yeah.

: 1088

01:01:11,888 --> 01:01:13,088

Alexandra: in any of the situations

: 1089

01:01:14,298 --> 01:01:16,038

That work every day outside of therapy.

: 1090

01:01:16,038 --> 01:01:17,388

You know, it's not just like I go.

: 1091

01:01:18,438 --> 01:01:22,278

often I sit there for an hour and this

is the only time, it's like every day.

: 1092

01:01:22,518 --> 01:01:25,248

It's consistency like you

had mentioned previously.

: 1093

01:01:25,398 --> 01:01:30,528

And hopefully that in doing that, when I

have children or even, you know, my mom or

: 1094

01:01:30,528 --> 01:01:33,528

other family members may see the work that

I'm doing, not that I have to tell them.

: 1095

01:01:33,948 --> 01:01:38,818

And they may feel inspired to work on

something that they've wanted to change.

: 1096

01:01:39,268 --> 01:01:39,538

Yeah.

: 1097

01:01:39,928 --> 01:01:41,818

Or that my kids are very comfortable.

: 1098

01:01:41,818 --> 01:01:44,968

Like that is something I think I hope for

is that my children are very comfortable

: 1099

01:01:45,208 --> 01:01:47,908

currently for anyone listening, I

don't have children, but these are like

: 1100

01:01:47,908 --> 01:01:51,800

future, little humans that they feel

comfortable having conversations and

: 1101

01:01:51,800 --> 01:01:56,300

saying like, Hey, I'm experiencing this

and I don't know what to do with it.

: 1102

01:01:56,300 --> 01:01:57,820

And I'd be like, okay,

honey, like, let's sit down.

: 1103

01:01:57,820 --> 01:01:58,540

Let's talk about it.

: 1104

01:01:58,930 --> 01:02:00,190

What support, like, you know,

: 1105

01:02:00,550 --> 01:02:00,940

Christine: Yeah.

: 1106

01:02:01,090 --> 01:02:01,360

Alexandra: open.

: 1107

01:02:01,630 --> 01:02:07,330

Christine: I think also, um, something

I, in that regard, understanding

: 1108

01:02:07,330 --> 01:02:14,650

too, like my kids might not have the

words to share how they're feeling.

: 1109

01:02:15,880 --> 01:02:20,110

So being aware, like I.

: 1110

01:02:20,110 --> 01:02:23,320

Of, of where they are developmentally,

what stage they are in their life,

: 1111

01:02:23,320 --> 01:02:28,030

what sort of possibilities could happen

and sort of doing the work to properly

: 1112

01:02:28,330 --> 01:02:32,470

engage in a conversation with them to

let them know they're in a safe space,

: 1113

01:02:32,470 --> 01:02:39,070

so that when they are able to have like

the vocabulary and like the ability to

: 1114

01:02:39,130 --> 01:02:43,840

communicate things, they know that I'm

a person they can come to, to do that.

: 1115

01:02:43,840 --> 01:02:44,620

And I feel

: 1116

01:02:46,930 --> 01:02:53,500

like in a lot of ways, I love how my mom

has established a relationship with each

: 1117

01:02:53,500 --> 01:03:00,100

of her daughters, myself and my sisters,

because the, all of us are like mom.

: 1118

01:03:00,260 --> 01:03:04,280

She's like our bride or die like

the person we go to for everything.

: 1119

01:03:04,280 --> 01:03:06,710

And my dad too, like he, he has

: 1120

01:03:08,720 --> 01:03:10,220

in a lot of ways he's like.

: 1121

01:03:10,775 --> 01:03:13,255

Our go-to for a lot of

different things as well.

: 1122

01:03:13,255 --> 01:03:15,415

He has made his mark on each of us.

: 1123

01:03:15,515 --> 01:03:21,785

So those are those sorts of

things I am conscious about.

: 1124

01:03:21,785 --> 01:03:25,685

I wanna bring into my future

relationships, my children's

: 1125

01:03:25,685 --> 01:03:27,275

relationships and understand like,

: 1126

01:03:29,465 --> 01:03:33,275

I am not gonna be able, there, there's

gonna be some things that I fuck up and

: 1127

01:03:33,275 --> 01:03:38,015

like, no one's perfect, but that's the

beautiful thing about, about it as well.

: 1128

01:03:38,015 --> 01:03:40,145

Like, that's what makes us all human.

: 1129

01:03:40,145 --> 01:03:44,645

That's what makes everybody's

experience on this earth different.

: 1130

01:03:45,035 --> 01:03:46,775

So, yeah.

: 1131

01:03:47,165 --> 01:03:47,345

Alexandra: Yeah.

: 1132

01:03:48,695 --> 01:03:52,285

Well, and it's interesting that you

bring up like developmentally children

: 1133

01:03:52,525 --> 01:03:55,885

may not have the vocabulary, and it

may be a, a really interesting thought

: 1134

01:03:55,885 --> 01:03:59,665

experiment to think about back when, you

know, you were a kid or we were kids.

: 1135

01:03:59,745 --> 01:04:01,695

Were there times that we tried to

express something and it didn't

: 1136

01:04:01,695 --> 01:04:07,695

quite, we didn't get the response from

our parent or a uh, that we wanted?

: 1137

01:04:07,695 --> 01:04:10,065

And is that something

that we can remember?

: 1138

01:04:10,425 --> 01:04:14,035

So if we see like our children

doing the same, whether it's

: 1139

01:04:14,035 --> 01:04:15,205

a, a behavior or a pattern

: 1140

01:04:15,630 --> 01:04:19,260

Shut down, kind of like, oh, that

might be a cue to go something's there,

: 1141

01:04:19,955 --> 01:04:20,245

Christine: Yeah.

: 1142

01:04:20,760 --> 01:04:21,690

Alexandra: the approach kind of thing.

: 1143

01:04:22,320 --> 01:04:23,130

Meet them where they're at.

: 1144

01:04:23,185 --> 01:04:23,425

But,

: 1145

01:04:23,475 --> 01:04:24,105

Christine: definitely.

: 1146

01:04:24,420 --> 01:04:27,450

Alexandra: So I feel like we

kind of talked about practices,

: 1147

01:04:27,480 --> 01:04:30,690

uh, that can help us rewrite

inherited wounds and narratives.

: 1148

01:04:30,836 --> 01:04:34,286

But do you have any, any

research that you've done or like

: 1149

01:04:34,841 --> 01:04:35,441

Christine: Yeah.

: 1150

01:04:35,441 --> 01:04:38,481

I think to like sort of

close out this topic of this.

: 1151

01:04:38,856 --> 01:04:41,916

Excuse me, to close out this

section over the conversation.

: 1152

01:04:42,706 --> 01:04:47,416

Some ways to help recognize and

start healing inherited wounds.

: 1153

01:04:47,476 --> 01:04:49,726

So we've talked about a lot awareness.

: 1154

01:04:50,086 --> 01:04:54,146

I first step identifying the

patterns and behaviors that

: 1155

01:04:54,146 --> 01:04:56,646

may have that may be inherited.

: 1156

01:04:56,706 --> 01:04:58,206

That's the first step towards healing.

: 1157

01:04:58,636 --> 01:05:02,836

So once you do that, let's hit the

ground running, keep that momentum.

: 1158

01:05:03,286 --> 01:05:08,444

Uh, next would be exploration, exploring

family history and understanding the

: 1159

01:05:08,444 --> 01:05:14,394

experience of of ancestors that can

help provide insight into the root

: 1160

01:05:14,394 --> 01:05:17,244

cause of these wounds you've inherited.

: 1161

01:05:17,774 --> 01:05:18,584

Next.

: 1162

01:05:20,054 --> 01:05:21,194

Start that healing journey.

: 1163

01:05:22,663 --> 01:05:24,074

Uh, there are various approaches.

: 1164

01:05:24,074 --> 01:05:28,714

We've talked about several therapy,

mindfulness somatic practices,

: 1165

01:05:28,744 --> 01:05:30,544

community-based interventions.

: 1166

01:05:30,604 --> 01:05:36,184

These can all help individuals heal or

start to heal from inherited trauma.

: 1167

01:05:36,814 --> 01:05:41,074

Then there's also the possibility that

you might have to do some re-parenting.

: 1168

01:05:41,594 --> 01:05:47,264

So that is a process that involves

developing the emotional regulation

: 1169

01:05:47,264 --> 01:05:53,054

and self-soothing skills that weren't

necessarily provided by your parents,

: 1170

01:05:53,054 --> 01:05:54,734

loved ones, caregivers, et cetera.

: 1171

01:05:55,274 --> 01:05:56,534

Um, and then finally.

: 1172

01:05:57,014 --> 01:06:00,704

Forging a new path forward by

recognizing all of this and addressing

: 1173

01:06:01,094 --> 01:06:06,964

these issues, you can break free from

these negative cycles and start to

: 1174

01:06:06,994 --> 01:06:09,004

create a life that is uniquely yours.

: 1175

01:06:09,034 --> 01:06:12,844

So I hope you all enjoyed

this conversation today.

: 1176

01:06:12,844 --> 01:06:16,269

I know, uh, I wasn't expecting to get

emotional there, but I, you know, I'm

: 1177

01:06:16,269 --> 01:06:19,239

me, so that's always a possibility.

: 1178

01:06:19,239 --> 01:06:22,509

I guess, um, Alexandra, is there

anything else you wanna share

: 1179

01:06:22,509 --> 01:06:23,649

before we close it out today?

: 1180

01:06:24,474 --> 01:06:26,574

Alexandra: I was gonna say that that

seems like, uh, what you shared, that

: 1181

01:06:26,574 --> 01:06:30,834

roadmap is not just a, a roadmap for

inherited wounds but can be tweaked

: 1182

01:06:30,834 --> 01:06:33,024

to, to work on any sort of self-work.

: 1183

01:06:33,734 --> 01:06:34,054

Christine: Absolutely.

: 1184

01:06:34,074 --> 01:06:36,614

Alexandra: so that's a really nice,

a little blueprint for everyone.

: 1185

01:06:36,809 --> 01:06:37,288

Christine: Absolutely.

: 1186

01:06:37,294 --> 01:06:38,459

Yeah, A little step by step.

: 1187

01:06:39,344 --> 01:06:39,794

Alexandra: Yeah.

: 1188

01:06:40,634 --> 01:06:43,634

But otherwise, it's been, it's been

kind of fun to delve into some of this.

: 1189

01:06:44,684 --> 01:06:45,014

Christine: Fun.

: 1190

01:06:45,629 --> 01:06:46,979

It's been a good conversation.

: 1191

01:06:47,324 --> 01:06:49,229

I, I feel a little lighter.

: 1192

01:06:49,589 --> 01:06:53,249

I always, I've always loved these sorts

of chats with you, but I also hope

: 1193

01:06:53,249 --> 01:06:55,049

that this has helped a lot of people.

: 1194

01:06:55,409 --> 01:06:57,299

It certainly has helped me a bit today.

: 1195

01:06:58,139 --> 01:07:01,739

I'm excited to start my day and sort

of see where this mood takes me.

: 1196

01:07:02,339 --> 01:07:03,869

Feel feeling good?

: 1197

01:07:04,259 --> 01:07:04,889

Alrighty.

: 1198

01:07:04,889 --> 01:07:09,779

So maybe this episode didn't exactly

give a tidy resolution, and honestly,

: 1199

01:07:09,779 --> 01:07:11,069

I think that's kind of the point.

: 1200

01:07:11,729 --> 01:07:15,749

Um, grief, healing, generational

trauma, these things are

: 1201

01:07:15,749 --> 01:07:17,279

meant to be wrapped up neatly.

: 1202

01:07:17,759 --> 01:07:23,699

But what is possible, what is powerful,

is the choice to face these truths

: 1203

01:07:23,699 --> 01:07:25,679

with open eyes and a soft heart.

: 1204

01:07:26,369 --> 01:07:30,239

If you're doing this work, this

quiet, often lonely, deeply

: 1205

01:07:30,239 --> 01:07:32,038

courageous work, we see you.

: 1206

01:07:32,788 --> 01:07:33,869

We're right there with you.

: 1207

01:07:34,409 --> 01:07:37,527

It takes strength to stop hoping

someone else will change, And

: 1208

01:07:37,527 --> 01:07:41,607

instead start tending to your own

healing to say, I didn't cause

: 1209

01:07:41,607 --> 01:07:43,287

this pain, but I won't pass it on.

: 1210

01:07:44,037 --> 01:07:45,207

Keep choosing yourself.

: 1211

01:07:45,447 --> 01:07:46,827

Keep rewriting your story.

: 1212

01:07:47,337 --> 01:07:49,647

And remember, you don't

have to do it perfectly.

: 1213

01:07:49,707 --> 01:07:51,177

You just have to keep showing up.

: 1214

01:07:51,328 --> 01:07:54,898

And join us next week because we're

continuing the conversation, with an

: 1215

01:07:54,898 --> 01:07:57,928

episode on why rituals rule the outcome.

: 1216

01:07:58,528 --> 01:08:01,708

Because here's the truth, under

pressure, we don't always rise to the

: 1217

01:08:01,708 --> 01:08:04,498

occasion, we fall to our level of habits.

: 1218

01:08:04,828 --> 01:08:08,998

So let's talk about the daily rituals

and routines that actually hold us while

: 1219

01:08:08,998 --> 01:08:13,281

we grow About how even when we feel like

the same person in a new year, small

: 1220

01:08:13,281 --> 01:08:15,981

intentional changes can change everything.

: 1221

01:08:16,093 --> 01:08:17,383

We can't wait to see you there.